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[ I ] ntuitive. I tend to be someone who often times goes with my instinct and my heart rather than any logical reasoning. I'm the opposite of my parents in that regard, for they both seem to need to plan everything they do with great time and care. Most other people in my life would say that this skill is something I should be proud of. Its made me good with people and good with what I do. Can't say that it works across the board with everything, or if its helped me be a better mother but that's mostly due to the doubt I think.
[ C ] apable is something I've learned in more recent years. I always had a governess- or nanny, depending on what you want to call her that made sure I was taken care of. She would often times get me things even before I knew I needed them which created a dependency I wasn't sure I ever really wanted but when you're a child it seems almost necessary. I'd like to think I outgrew that and can now stand on my own two feet when it counts.
[ T ] ouched was a word often whispered around me growing up. It was usually done in empty rooms, where no one else was meant to hear it. Especially not me, but as most children I quickly learned how to sneak around to overhear the grown up talks. To this day I really don't understand why, but I like to think that its not a bad thing.
[ O ] ptimistism has always been something I've tried my best to have. My grandfather used to call me his little idealist because of it; because it sometimes would make me believe thigns that just could never happen. I like to think that I am still intelligent enough to know when someone can never happen. I just want to make sure that I keep my chin up and move on forward; even if its merely one step at a time. Sometimes that's honestly all one can do.
[ R ] omantic is something I got from my father, surprisingly. After all, he managed to sweep my mother off her feet and she grew up on the Southern coast of France on a Wine Vineyard which she would take me to each summer to spend with my grandparents and make sure I didn't loose my ability to speak french. Sometimes I also wondered if there was another reason for it too, but I've never been brave enough to ask her. All I knew is we would always leave the day that the semester ended for the summer and come back the day before. It was admittedly rather exhausting for much of my youth, but I can't say I would change it. The smell of grapes is still one of my favorite things on this earth.
[ I ] solated is something I didn't really think of in association to myself until recently. I never felt alone before. I grew up in a house full of people, and even if I didn't always feel all that close to my parents I usually was close to at least one or two of the other staff members or their kids. It was a good life, but I don't want to live with such luxury anymore. It's meant though that when my husband is gone its just me and the baby. I could call and ask to stay with my parents or call my grandparents and gone to the vineyard but I'm too proud. I want them to see that I can stand on my own two feet just fine.
[ A ] dorable is what my husband always calls me. The way I'll wrinkle my nose when I'm thinking too hard, pacing while twirling my hair around my finger. How I reorganize my makeup everytime I buy something knew so that they're in the order of which I need to use them; something I try to argue is merely practical. There's so many things he says are adorable, but I struggle to remember them all with him not around to remind me. It hasn't even been that long... I feel like I may need to break out the stack of love letters he used to write to me. Maybe he wrote about them all there.
It's only been a month or so but I feel like I'm slowly loosing my grasp on reality. I don't know what it is.... but I get these really bad feelings. My mother makes fun of me for them, telling me its just the homesickness talking. I spent every summer on the French Mediterranean coast with my mother's family and when I wasn't there I was in my father's family estate outside of London that was filled to the brim with staff and a governess constantly my shadow. Both my parents came from money; my mother's family having earned theirs through their grape vines and world famous wine. My father never really said exactly how his came about his, but I'm not sure it really matters. I still couldn't tell you how many generations had occupied our home, but I knew that it had been my grandparents up until they had to be moved into the single story guest house due to their age.
Now that I am not living there, I can't tell you how much I miss it. Our little two bedroom flat is nothing compared to the character and grandeur that building had. Its what originally inspired me to go into interior design. It also was why when we were looking for a place of our own I ended up having us settle in some place that was so modern and contemporary. So different, and in some ways, void of that same homey feeling. I've tried to change that, but I think if my husband came home to different curtains again he'd kill me.
Much of my life was decided for me from a young age. Although arranged marriages and the like have long since fallen out of style and favor, my parents still wanted me to marry someone that came from money or had a good name. I'm an only child, my younger brother having been born with a rare heart deformity and dying a year after his birth. I remember that day well as it had been when my parents had turned to God to welcome him into Heaven. I don't share the same faith as them, but I grew up around it and have learned to accept and understand those who are more overly devote. Its probably helped me a lot throughout the years of my life, and was probably why when I finally went into college I managed to find my husband, Justin Curtis.
I'm sorry, I keep jumping around. You probably aren't really getting the connection. I don't blame you; it doesn't really make sense to me either. It still doesn't and I'm not sure it ever will. I really just chalk it all up to... magic.
Like I said, I was an only child who grew up in a fairly wealthy household. My childhood was uneventful; all four of my grandparents were healthy and are alive even today. Both my grandmas and I exchange weekly phone calls and monthly letters, although my father's mother is beginning to loose her hearing. Ultimately, she was the one who taught me most of what I know today as my father was a fairly busy lawyer who often traveled in the pursuit of wherever a lead may take him. My mother was a well published author who enjoyed our home just outside the city limit. I was encouraged to be imaginative, dependable and a loyal lady who only had to shoot for the moon, but knew that if she landed among the stars her parents would still be proud. Or at least that was what they always said, I can't say I don't worry that I may disappoint them even today. Still its a trait I hope to instill in my son.
So when I decided to attend Royal College of Art; located in London, my parents encouraged me to do as I wished. I always had a good eye, having started selling hand made jewelry from a young age and also having paid for a fair few of my own college expenses by being a photographer. That was originally where I met Justin. He was attending University nearby for Law. A couple years older than me, he had gotten in early thanks to his grades and what I think now is his family name. Regardless, we hit it off and were engaged within the year; I was 21 at the time and looking into my master's program which was luckily offered at RCoA. Shortly after I graduated undergrad- at the age of 22, I found out I was pregnant with little Michael, and despite the struggle I managed to complete my master's degree quicker than the two years that is standard thanks to online classes and summer school. My parents helped considerable with that, and I am in debt to them because of that. Both of us are.
I wanted to move us to the French countryside, feeling that it would be a better environment for our son compared to the hustle and bustle of the city. Justin wanted us to stay, and since he already had a job lined up and I didn't.... well, you can imagine who won that argument in the end. Reluctantly, I stayed with him and our son; moving into the flat . Things were good, up until a few days ago when Justin had to leave for work. I've been unable to get a hold of him.
On top of that, since moving here, Michael has been unable to sleep through the night. I think it's nightmares, although my mother has told me that he's a baby and some aren't easy sleepers. He used to sleep though the night, and I'm worried about him. He's nearly 2, and beginning to walk. Justin thought it was nightmares too, and seemed to know more than he let on... but didn't tell me anything. Now I'm worried, and scared.
What is going on with my little boy? And what is going on with me?